Of course I know that in this life we have troubles, but I never imagined that one of my children would walk away from Jesus. I have gone through disbelief, pain, grief and anger plus every other emotion that any mother would feel. I have never experienced such deep pain. It is like a death. I am so broken. It is on my mind constantly and I am in prayer about it constantly. I am giving it all to God and trusting Him who knows all things and controls all things, but it has been a very difficult path for me.
It's not about me, it's about my son. Oh how I love him. Oh how I want my son to be happy and joyful. I want him to be happy on this earth, but most of all, I want him to have eternal life in heaven. Yes, he is a grown man, but in my heart he is my little boy whom I love so dearly and want to protect. How can I protect and help him if I don't know what's going on. How can he get through this world without relying on Jesus? Our family has a big void. God is good and He gives us joy every day and many, many blessings, but there is still this deep crevasse. I go to the Lord every day for my son and I will never stop.
Of course this is an old symbolic tradition from the Bible, but I felt a strong urge to put on sackcloth and ashes and go before the Lord in prayer and reading scripture. When Jesus came and died on the cross, He became our sacrifice and we no longer are slaves to the laws or the symbolic things. For me, as a desperate, broken mother praying for the soul of her son, I felt the need to empty myself of me and pray with humility before the Lord. By doing this gesture, I felt as though I had really given it all over to God. In the Bible, people put on sackcloth and ashes in public and I guess by posting this it's like walking out into the city gates. I am mourning. I am praying for God's deliverance.
I went before the Lord with a broken and contrite spirit completely empty of myself. I went before the Lord with prayer and petition to save my son.
I have been suffering, but I am thankful. I am very thankful for this journey God has put me on, although it has been very difficult, because I have grown in the Lord. I have matured. My trust in Him has not faltered, although, I admit it, there have been many times when I worry and fret and fall into my sinful human nature, but God always brings me back and comforts me with His word.
I have had to let my dreams go of having my perfect little family and everyone is doing what I had hoped and dreamed they would be doing. Our marriage was good and all four of our sons were walking with Christ and were on target, doing well in their lives. I didn't mean to take pride in this, but I believe I was sinful and prideful. I have been humbled. I am ashamed of how shallow I was. I am trying to learn the lessons that I need to learn. It is more than divorce and all of the ramifications that brings, I am so very concerned about my son's well being and his walk with God. I want my son whole and happy again. I want restoration for him. I want restoration for all of us.
I praise God for this trial. I praise God that He has been with me through it all and I know that there is power in Jesus Christ and He will give us victory. I thank God in advance for answering my prayers. I know that my son is in the palm of God's hand and nothing can grasp him away from God. He asked Jesus into his heart when he was a child and he lived a life for Christ his whole life until two years ago. I cling to the promises.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16
"I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from Me." John 10:28
"If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray." Matthew 18:10-13
"Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6
"The righteous cry out and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:17-18
If you feel so led, please lift my son up in prayer. If you have an unsaved loved one, I pray that they will find the Lord Jesus Christ.